To incorporate everything that a narrative needs, I tired to use better descriptive words to develop the character. Not only did I describe the setting better and use broader vocabulary, I tried to incorporate the personality and tone of the main character. I think that it is very important to see the change within the character from the beginning when she is cranky and tired to the end when she realizes the truth about her journey. I think that the personality is best described in my paper in the first few sentences of the introduction. I stated the paper off with quoting of the character saying, “Of course, it is the rainiest time of the year and Mom and Dad decided that we need a family vacation. And where do we go? Obviously not somewhere warm where that I can lay on the beach and tan. We go to the Adirondacks camping. That sounds like tons of fun doesn’t it?” This quote allows the reader to capture the tone of the character. You can tell by these sentences that this character is a cranky teenager. The development of the character is something that I changed from my original draft which improves the paper.
I didn't change much of the end of my narrative because I find that it is kind of a shocker the way it ends. It catches the reader off guard. I think that without foreshadowing the fact that the whole journey is a dream enhances the "surprise" factor. Without this little hint, the reader will want to go back and try to find a place at the beginning that may lead to the ending. The way that I set up the story, allows the reader to experience the many different moods the character portrays throughout the narrative.
My new and revised story has all of the great point from my original copy, but it has been changed to enhance the storyline. In my revised copy I changed the format of the paper. In my original copy most of the beginning was narration and the end was all dialogue. I changed this and incorporated more dialogue at the beginning and more narration at the end. For example, instead of explaining the site of the rainbow, I used dialogue to enhance the vision. You can really see the different between the two drafts. In my original draft I said, "How strange would that be if it was real? Is there really a start and end to a rainbow or does it just fade into other colors of the world? I look up and we keep getting closer and closer to the rainbow. This never happens." In my second draft I said, "I screamed, “LOOK! Is that possible? How can this be happening? I was so intrigued, yet so perplexed. My sister says confused, “This thing only happens in movies. What is going on? Is this real?” Putting this part in dialogue allows the reader to connect with the characters. It is a better way to show what is actually happening rather than just tell the story.
Another way that I made my second draft flow better than my original copy is by changing the grammar. In my original copy I started out in a different tense than when I ended. This made it confusion to follow. In my original paper I started out by saying things like, "We Were" and I ended the paper with, "I am." In my new revised paper I was sure to keep the same tense throughout to ensure that it is easy to follow.
I hope that all of my changes and revisions allows this copy to be better than its original. This narrative is an interesting story and the changes that I made only enhanced and added character to the story. This is my second draft of my narrative writing piece:
Skittles, Taste the Rainbow
“Of course, it is the rainiest time of the year and Mom and Dad decided that we need a family vacation. And where do we go? Obviously not somewhere warm where that I can lay on the beach and tan. We go to the Adirondacks camping. That sounds like tons of fun doesn’t it?” I said to my sister as we get into the car after a four day camping trip over our April break.
It had been raining every single minute we were here. I can admit that I was cranky during this trip, but what seventeen year old girl wouldn’t be? We don’t have cell phone reception and I have to spend quality time with my somewhat annoying little sister. Yeah, I had fun spending time with my family going fishing and cooking s’mores over the fire, but I’m not exactly a fan of sleeping on the freezing, rock solid ground. I just kept thinking about my nice soft, warm bed. I couldn’t wait.
We were off on a five hour adventure that no one could imagine. I lie down on my pillow that is pushed up against the window and stare at the sky. You wouldn’t believe what happened next. Obviously once I get into the car and get situated, the sun comes out. I say out loud in disgust, “UGH, you’ve got to be kidding me.”
My Mom responded quickly, “Oh, cool it. You survived. You have kind of been a Debby downer the whole trip.”
I stated in a tone that a smart a-lick teenager would respond with, “Hey I came didn’t I?”
After that statement, I knew that I had to be quiet and try to enjoy the five hour ride with my Ipod on the loudest volume to drain everything out. I stared out the window and saw the most magnificent sight. Looking at the sky with no clouds in sight, the most perfect rainbow is showing its most clear and exuberant colors. This makes me start to think.
I start to question, “How do rainbows form? Does everyone see the same sights? Rainbows are the most mysterious object, yet so beautiful.”
We keep driving and I keep my focus on the rainbow. Thinking about how in movies and stories there is always a pot of gold and a leprechaun at the end of a rainbow. I thought to myself, “How weird would that be if it were true? Is there really a start and end to a rainbow or does it just fade into other colors of the world?” I look up as we get closer and closer to the rainbow. This never happens. The rainbow always seems to be getting further and further away. This is when things started to get weird. As we are driving up the hill heading home, I saw a sight like no other. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The car that was heading towards us was the starting point of the rainbow.
I screamed, “LOOK! Is that possible? How can this be happening? I was so intrigued, yet so perplexed.
My sister says confused and worried, “This thing only happens in movies. What is going on? Is this real?”
My Dad, who was driving, immediately stopped the car to view this magical sight. He says, “I wonder if the two men in the car know that the rainbow is following them.” We immediately turned around, causing our trip time to increase by about two hours, to see what was going on. We followed the car for twenty-five minutes until it pulled into a McDonald’s and finally stopped. We pulled into the parking stop right next to them, with the rainbow still following. Two guys got out of the car. We introduced ourselves to them and explained this incredible sight. I, perplexed and exasperated said, “There is this incredible image that we have been following. It appears to me that the rainbow is coming out of your car.”
My little sister added excitedly, “Are you leprechauns?” The two guys just looked at each other and laughed. They told us to take a peak into their front seat cup holder and tell them what we saw. There it was, a red wrapped package. What could it be? Of course, they had a package of skittles that they had been eating. We looked back at the guys with our shocked looks upon our faces.
They just laughed and said, “Skittles! Taste the rainbow.”
I looked at my sister and burst out laughing. I couldn’t believe what we had just discovered. How could this happen, it is too good to be true. So we hopped back into the car knowing that we had solved this mystery of where the end of the rainbow comes from.
My mom says, “Wake up, we are home.” I opened my eyes, so confused. What had just happened? Was all of this a dream? I had to ask.
Exasperated I said, “So there was this car, and a rainbow, and two men, and skittles. Skittles, taste the rainbow.”
I explained this whole story to my family. I honestly had no clue what was real and not as they could tell from my frantic, exhausting description of the past scenes. I finished telling them the story of our fantastic family excursion. I looked at their faces and everyone just began to laugh. That is when I knew the truth to this tale.
My dad said, “This is the most ridiculous dream that I have ever heard. You must have been exhausted from camping because you slept the whole way home. This is quiet a journey for a 5 hour drive. What an event, that is the funniest thing ever and I can’t believe that you actually thought that this dream could be real.” I am so embarrassed. I can’t believe that I just admitted to my family that skittles make up the rainbow. What a dream.
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